Two of the Four Horsemen

Every night when I'm driving home from work, my radio starts on DC101. They have a funny (although admittedly crass and shock-jocky) morning radio show that I happen to enjoy. Anyway, I'm going to have to start remembering to change the channel before I get out of my car in the morning so I don't get accidentally sucked into the ENORMOUS VORTEX OF SUCK that is any song by Fall Out Boy or My Chemical Romance. I've decided that these two bands are, in fact, two of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

As my first piece of evidence, I shall point out the Wikipedia description of Fall Out Boy's music: alternative rock/pop punk/emo. Jesus what an abortion. All bands that call themselves "pop punk" should be summarily executed, poste haste. Second on my list of things I completely despise about FAB is their terrible, terrible music. Just when I thought that the seventy bajillionth play of that "Cock It and Pull It" song had completely exhausted their 15 minutes of flash-in-the-pan fame, they came out with "Dance, Dance." The worst thing about "Dance, Dance" is that it is not as terrible as their first song. It lures you in, making you believe for a short minute that maybe, just maybe, your ears aren't going to bleed from it and then BLAM! It gets stuck in your head and you're forced to hate yourself the rest of the day. And your ears end up bleeding anyway. Bastards.

Their new song is the worst, most despicably terrible song I've ever heard. As though the producers of the song KNEW that it sucked enormously, they amped up the music so much that the lyrics are pretty unintelligible. To whatever audio engineer made that decision, thank you. You've saved my brain some level of burning. Unfortunately, it's also clear that whomever wrote the song fancies themselves a clever lyricist by crafting the wholly nonsensical hook "This ain't a scene, it's a God-damned-arms-race." WTF? Seriously, WTF?

Now, if FAB (lame acronym also, FYI) were simply a one-hit wonder destined to live on in obscurity forever, I could live with that. For whatever reason however, it is as though the entire megalithic radio industry has conspired to push this shitty, shitty band 24-7. I love DC101, but enough. Enough. They're a crap band with crap music. No amount of "Meet the band" and "Win tickets" contests centered around FAB will EVER make them palatable. Ever.

On to my hatred of My Chemical Romance. Honestly, the only song I've heard repeatedly (and by repeatedly, I mean way too F***ing much) is "The Black Parade." It starts off OK, then totally disintegrates into a craptacular, overblown sophomoric rock song. Fair enough. My true reason for hating them is that I'm pretty sure these guys are 35, yet they're dressed up all goth-y all the time. Seriously. Let the angst go, dude...you're 35. It's time to move beyond your career at Hot Topic. I saw them accept some sort of MTV award this past year and it was then that I realized just how UNcool eyeliner is on someone in his 30's...unless you're Prince. Or that guy at the House of Guitars who has always worn eyeliner. He's pretty cool.

Anyway, upon reading their Wikipedia entry, I've found other reasons to hate them. First, they formed about a week after 9/11 as a way for the lead singer to work out his issues about the event. One more reason to hate terrorists. Additionally, they take inspiration from horror movies for their songs. Most people would think that that gives me a reason to like them rather than hate them, but no. Horror = good, Crappy songs that claim horror roots in an effort to reinforce a poseur goth image = not good. Not good at all.

So that's it. The fact that the recording industry has conspired to push these two terrible, terribly acts upon us night and day makes it clear how off-base the recording industry truly is. Additionally, I think the fact that these two acts are pretty much unavoidable at the moment makes a good case for them being horsemen of the apocalypse. Any other nominees? There are only four true horsemen, right?