Happy Halloween Part 1

Every time I start to think that musical comedy is awful, I watch something like this from Stephen Lynch. Ah, Halloween humor...

Horror for Beginners...aka Happy Halloween pt. 2

First and foremost, HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

I dedicate this post to my friend Eddie, who upon watching Night of the Living Dead with me the other day got to the end of the film and asked, "Wait...did this happen?" Granted, the film does contain realistic-looking photos and well-faked news reports of zombie attacks, but to answer his question: no. Mysterious radiation has never re-activated the brains of the newly-dead causing them to rise in a canabalistic, murderous zombie rampage. In other words, Eddie is a horror beginner, and therefore in this post I shall deconstruct the top 8 horror movies for beginners in the order I would watch them were I starting from scratch.

1. Night of the Living Dead
This is an out-and-out classic. A black and white primer to all zombie movies to come, this was made on a shoestring budget outside of Pittsburgh in 1968. Since zombie movies are my personal favorite of all the horror genres, I'm putting this at numero uno. Additionally, it's more dark and moody than straight-up gory or scary, so it's a nice way to ease into the hot tub of terror (metaphorically speaking. The actual Hot Tub of Terror is somewhere near Anaheim).

2. Halloween
This was my very first horror movie, and as such I'd say that it's a make-it-or-break-it type of film. It is the seminal slasher flick, and if you make it through Halloween and it leaves you wanting more, you have a future as a horror geek. Thank you to the family friend that introduced this movie to me at the tender age of 9. My desire to not chicken out in front of the cool 18yr old high school girl that suggested we rent this "If I wasn't scared" has led me to a lifetime of horror appreciation. If however, like my Mom, you don't make it through this flick...then at least you haven't spent 20 hours watching the rest of the movies on this list.

3. Dracula (the 1931 original)
I just watched this for the first time the other day, and I'd have to say that it's still pretty great (watch the version with Phillip Glass' score). Bela Lugosi's Count Dracula spawned imitators from the Count on Sesame Street to Count Chocula to a host of fanged baddies in between. Additionally, Dwight Frye's turn as Renfield is amazing. You'll also be introduced to most of the classic vampire folklore regarding mirrors, crosses and wooden stakes.

4. The Howling
I'm not a huge fan of werewolf movies, but I do like the kitchy 70's feel of the original Howling movie. Again, this does a good job of introducing werewolves to the novice, while throwing in some great transformative special effects as various characters turn into werewolves. The ending is a nice kick in the pants as well.

5. Carrie
Because his name is synonymous with horror, I feel compelled to include a Stephen King adaptation somewhere on this list (I love the Shining, but I'm saving that for Horror for Intermediates). Carrie is a slow burn DePalma-style (he directed it) and includes a fantastic performance by a legit actress (Sissy Spacek) as high school outcast Carrie White. Her mother in the film has to be one of the most deranged in film history, and the climax of the film surely feeds the revenge fanstasies of less-than-popular teenagers everywhere. (Note to Eddie: watching this film does not give you license to use the term "dirty pillows" in common conversation from now on).

6. Shawn of the Dead
This is a pretty recent zombie movie, but it is genius in the way that it mixes humor and horror. Shawn's use of a child's slide to look over the fence at the zombies surrounding the Winchester is a personal favorite. In addition, there are some great special effects and nearly every classic zombie movie element is left intact. This was an instant new fav when I saw it in the theater, and it doesn't suffer upon repeated viewings.

7. Poltergeist
God do I love Poltergeist. This is the movie that gave clown dolls, television "snow," and Indian burial grounds a bad name (not that they had GREAT reputations beforehand, but we'll ignore that for our purposes). Any movie that has Craig T. Nelson, ectoplasm, paranormal experts and lots and lots of scary crap happening at all times is ok in my book. This movie is almost exhausting to watch because of the sheer amount of craziness surrounding what is otherwise a nice, normal family. Both parents are also pretty realistically drawn, and as a result you get quite attached to them over the course of the movie.

8. The Exorcist
For those not accustomed to watching scary movies, The Exorcist would be a bad place to start. It's horror at it's most awesome. A lot of people I know have no problems whatsoever with zombies and vampires but have real issues when it comes to demonic possession. Apparently, I have a lot of friends who believe in demons. Sigh. Regardless, build up your confidence with movies 1-7 and top off your education with this classic. Besides, telling people that you've never seen The Exorcist is equivalent to wearing a t-shirt that reads "Hi. I'm Culturally Illiterate."

For a fun list of top horror movie killings, click here.

A Killer Piñata Movie...No, Really

I'll probably watch 15-20 horror movies in the two weeks surrounding Halloween. It's sort of my thing. Sure, I'll watch The Exorcist and Child's Play again for old time sake. They're classics! But every once in a while a movie comes along that makes you say to yourself "Wow. Just wow." My latest discovery is one of those movies...Piñata: Survival Island. Tagline: "A Weekend to Dismember."

This movie may, in fact, meet all of my criteria for what makes a good terrible movie. Recognizable stars? Yes, this stars Jamie Pressly and Nicholas Brendon (aka Zander from Buffy the Vampire Slayer). An intriguing backstory? And how. Many years ago, a small Mexican village fell on hard times. The town shaman, sure that the predicament was being caused by the transgressions of the villagers themselves, crafted a piñata out of clay and then "transfered" the bad mojo of the village and the villagers into the demonic-looking vessel then sent it down the river never to return, and prosperity returned to the town. Ah, I love happy endings. But wait...

That alone is a great beginning to a crazy bad movie, but this movie takes it a bit further with an even more fantastic present-day premise. Fast forward to 2001. A group of sorority girls and frat guys are taken to a tropical forest a short 20 mile boat ride off campus (?) to participate in an underwear scavenger hunt. Over 2,500 pairs of underwear are strung up all over the forest and the co-ed team of two that brings back the most will win $20,000 to be shared by their chapter houses and the charity of their choice (note to self: plan underwear scavenger hunt). In addition to a bounty of underwear, there are piñatas strung up all over the forest filled with "liquid refreshments," otherwise known as plastic airline bottles of booze (additional note to self: include booze-filled piñatas in underwear scavenger hunt plan). The scavenger hunt begins, and so does the evil piñata fun.

Each duo is actually handcuffed together for the scavenger hunt, which as a plot device only helps determine who is destined for an early, gory death at the hands of our not-as-fun-as-it-looks piñata. Within the first 15 minutes, we have a winner. It seems that Bob has keys to his team's cuffs, allowing them to split up and TOTALLY win the scavenger hunt. He also brought some weed to chill the scene out a bit. Lisa, his partner, drags an old piñata out of a crusty pond assuming it is from a previous year and they begin banging on it with a rock to see what fabu goodies might be inside. Unfortunately, they do not discover a bounty of mini-Sauza bottles. Instead, they manage to wake the evil mojo of hundreds of ancient villagers and simultanously animate the piñata itself. Said piñata (I'll call him Jorge from now on) then TOTALLY harshes Bob's mellow by bashing his head in.

At this point, the movie follows pretty standard supernatural slasher conventions. No one believes Lisa's story of a killer piñata, regardless of the fact that it bashed Bob's head in right in front of her in broad daylight. People are picked off one by one, splitting up proves to never be a good idea, etc. The only other really notable thing about this movie is that somewhere along the way, Jorge starts to fly. At some points, he looks a lot more like a dinosaur than a piñata and at others he looks like a terra cotta Slimer, making me think that the CGI in the film is a patchwork of models done for other projects rather than *gasp* original to this high-budget extravaganza. Regardless, he proves to be one nasty party accessory.

Sadly (for me), I really enjoyed Piñata: Survival Island. Jamie Pressly is entertaining, and since she's now quite sucessful on My Name is Earl, I hope she can look back on her days in movies about killer piñatas with fondness. I know that I would. And while I'll be sure not ruin the ending for you, rest assured, it ultimately takes much more than a blindfolded five-year old with a broom handle to take out good old Jorge.

Please don't kill me...

Hi to all the people who are probably no longer reading this blog. The last two months have been insane between trips to Italy and Las Vegas, work and my friend Debbie's wedding (this weekend!). Anyway, I'll be sure to get back to snarky reviews of movies I haven't seen next week. Expect a veritable barrage of fun. I may also review the Miss Adams Morgan pageant based on the photos my friends took at the event, I'll have the High Heels Race to talk about on Wednesday next week, and general philosophical waxing to do about Halloween, so be sure to come back soon. In the meantime, I'll leave you with a question to ponder.