Nachos With Extra Cheese

I was walking through the Wheaton mall the other day on my way to Target when I noticed an obscene number of obscenely large posters of Jack Black in a somewhat obscene spandex outfit shilling for a new movie called Nacho Libre. Having not seen a trailer on TV yet and not being a huge fan of Jack Black, I was curious, but let's just say I wasn't running out to check my local theater times quite yet.

Anyway, I have since checked out the trailer and was subsequently compelled to review it. I know this may be shock to people...but I like cheesy movies. Additionally, thanks to my good friend John Terp, I have an excessive amount of knowledge about Mexican wrestling that I need to share. Lastly, even though this movie appears to be ridiculous, it comes with a decent comedy pedigree worthy of some curiosity at the very least.

Jared Hess, writer/director of Napoleon Dynamite, directs what is sure to be a surreal and awkward movie about Nacho Libre, a soon-to-be famous Mexican wrestler. Jack Black plays said wrestler. From the trailer, he follows his dreams of becoming a famous wrestler by donning spandex, teaming up with the skinniest Mexican guy EVER, and entering himself in back-alley wrestling competitions, all in the hope of one day being a superstar wrestler like the Man in the Golden Mask, or as the Altavista Babel Fish program calls him "El Hombre con la Máscara de Oro" (not quite the funny translation I had hoped for, but I'll take it).

Nacho gets booed by old ladies and appears to get his ass kicked, and the resulting humiliation makes him give up his dream and join a monastery. There, he befriends the poor man's Penelope Cruz, they share some toast, and (if my movie clairvoyance serves me right) his new friend convinces him to follow his dreams all the way to the top, baby. Since Hess' last flick featured an uber-triumphant moment for the world's Ultimate Nerd, my guess is that Nacho Libre may get to battle "El Hombre con la Máscara de Oro" successfully as well. Just a hunch.

Will this movie be "good?" Questionable...it seems as though this film is going to follow the time-honored "underdog makes good" storyline. When you think about it, Napoleon Dynamite did too, but in a pretty meandering, interesting, unexpected way. Expect a lot of ND fanboys to love this and a lot of Indie/Arthouse movie fanboys to decry it as an outrage (because it's no longer underground, man). Whatever. I kinda like it when the underdog wins. So sue me.

Now for the part of my review in which I lay some Old School Mexican wrestling knowledge on you... The man in the golden mask is clearly modeled after El Santo, arguably the most famous and beloved wrestler in Mexico's illustrious wrestling history. Santo became a movie star in the 1960's through a number of movies in which he battled villainous foes in and out of the ring, including a mummy, Frankenstein's daughter, Dracula and a werewolf among others. I have never seen these movies...but my friend John Terp has. In fact, he's regaled me with minute-by-minute reviews of Santo vs. just about every foe he's ever battled. In discussing Santo vs. The Vampire Women, John had this to say: "Santo holds down 2 full time jobs -- he's on 24 hour call as a crime fighter and he's a professional wrestler. One of the most hilarious moments in "Santo vs. the Vampire Women" occurs when Santo has to leave the professor's daughter he is protecting to fight in a wrestling match. The vampire women want to capture the professor's daughter and initiate her into their ranks. Santo is all that stands in between the helpless girl and the vampire women -- and he leaves her because he has to show up for work at his 2nd job! Talk about just getting by. In case you were wondering,The vampire women abduct the professor's daughter."

In some ways, I think Hess picked a perfect subject for his Napoleon Dynamite follow-up. To quote John, a true Santo fan: "My favorite aspect of Santo is that he's truly a third world superhero -- he's got no superpowers -- just a silver alpha romeo convertable and the mask."

1,000 hits!

As I prepare to post my most recent review, I would like to congratulate myself for nearly crossing the 1,000 hit mark on my counter. That's right...people have now visited this humble blog over 1,000 times. While that number may be comprised of my friend LBS getting bored at work and hitting it 300 times herself, or 600 random people clicking on my profile after I post something silly to fark, thanks to you all!

Prison is a Bitch

I'm so tired of waiting for TVGasm, one of my favorite all-time websites, to update their Prison Break section that I'm moved to write about the show myself.

It is amazing. If you haven't been watching it religiously on Monday nights, Tivoing it, or didn't catch the FX marathon a couple months back, you should pray to the TV Gods that another marathon materializes sometime soon.

For those unfamiliar with the show, Wentworth Miller plays Michael Scofield, a structural engineer gone very wrong in an attempt to get thrown in prison. Why? To break his brother, Lincoln Burroughs, out of course. The first season has been copiously recapped (except for the LAST THREE DAMN EPISODES) via TVGasm, but here's a quick synopsis: Lincoln is on death row for killing the Vice President's brother, and his execution is approaching quickly. Michael did some structural work on the prison and therefore has blueprints to it, but cannot memorize enough of them to be effective, so he TATTOOS them on (hidden in the glorious design at left), robs a bank, gets thrown in the same prison (Fox River) as his brother, and begins his breakout plans. Along the way, he enlists the help of a few other inmates for very specific reasons: one guy has money, one can get a plane on standby, and one is his cellmate (he just kinda has to be in on it for logistical reasons). On the outside, Veronica, a lawyer and old flame of Lincoln, is working to clear his name (he didn't kill the guy). Another lawyer from a place called Project Justice (Nick ) joins her, but while they are making headway they also are being hunted by a couple of bad, bad government thugs, the worst of whom goes by the name Kellerman.

Nearly all of the above is set up in the first TWO episodes. As the season progresses, more and more cons end up learning about the breakout and all of them threaten to expose the plan unless they are brought in on it. In the hands of lesser producers and writers, this show would have derailed right about there...you've suddenly got about thirty characters between the inmates, the warden, 3-4 prison guards of note, 3 government thugs, the Vice President (evil), her "backers" (also evil), two lawyers, a re-appearing father figure and the prison doctor, Sarah Tancredi (her dad's also the Governor...how coincidental). But no...rather than derailing this show actually made a lot of these characters quite memorable, like the evil pedophilic inmate T-Bag. And yes, that is his name on the show (more proof of this show's awesomeness).

Not wanting to ruin it for my fellow Prison Breakers, I'll warn you now that I'm going to discuss the season finale. Take solace in the above picture of HOT Michael Scofield and stop reading now.

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I was on the edge of my seat during the actual break out episode, cheering OUT LOUD for them to make it over the fence (except for T-Bag...that guy should never see the light of day). In fact, I almost think that that episode should have been the season finale. The finale itself, however packed so many loose ends into one hour that I could barely contain myself. In order of what I can't freakin' believe:

-Did Westmoreland actually die? I am almost certain that he did...
-Nick...definitely doorknob dead
-T-Bag...jesus bloody stump on a stick, does he have any chance without a hand?
-Haywire...nice misdirection, producers. He can't get far in a wack shack suit and football helmet, can he?
-President Ms. Bitch...again, nice misdirection. Apparently she CAN, in fact, get things done

And for the biggest shock of all...do you think they really killed off Tancredi?

Does this show require huge "suspension of disbelief"? Yes. Is Veronica both annoying and stupid? Yes. Is the show amazingly addictive with an awesome cast, witty writers and some ingenious plot twists? YES.

To tide me over until fall (when my TV additiction comes back on for season 2), I'm open to any and all speculation on the fates of our intrepid cons...Michael, Lincoln, Sucre, Westmoreland (R.I.P), Tweener, C-Note, T-Bag, Haywire and Abruzzi.

No One is Heeding the Omen

I went to my usual source for trailers today (Apple's trailer site) to find something new to review, when I saw a trailer for The Omen. I've heard very conflicting things from horror fans about this movie thus far, most along the lines of "The Omen looks AWESOME" and "The Omen is going to SUCK." It seems to be very polarizing amongst my people. Upon viewing it myself, I'm sad to say that I'm firmly in the suck camp.

The basic story is this: a diplomat and his wife adopt a boy who turns out to be pretty bad news. He has a mysterious backstory the father works to discover as people associated with the boy and the mystery either die off at an alarming rate or become fiercely, insanely protective. I'll save for those who haven't seen it most of the big revelations.

If there were ever a horror film that doesn't need to be re-made, it's The Omen. Consistently listed in the top 20 all-time horror film lists of legitimate and armchair critics alike, it doesn't need a modern "update." The pacing, mood and cast of the original were awesome (Gregory Peck does horror...so good) and there was something really great about the atmosphere of the first film. The 1970's setting and UBER-creepy kid (before creepy kids were de rigeur) helped put it over the top into "classic" territory.

As for the remake, it just looks...slick. There's way too much going on in the trailer for my taste. Exploding windows? Check. Hangings? Check. Menacing gorillas? Check. I don't remember any robed demons in the original either, and I don't remeber thinking, "Gee, this movie would be a lot better with some demons in robes." What makes me really sad is that there doesn't seem to be any hint of Robert Thorn (the beleaguered father in both movies) traveling to the Middle East or graverobbing in the Italian countryside in order to unravel the mystery of his adopted son, Damien. In my opinion, those were some of the most interesting parts of the original. Instead, it appears that Mr. Thorn and his traveling companion take an unfortunate detour into Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings.

[Editors Note: I tried desperately to take a screen grab of the LOTR moment in the trailer for this space, but methinks Fox isn't keen on bloggers taking screengrabs from their trailers since all I got was a black box over and over. Instead, I've illustrated the scene for you below. You're welcome.]



What surprises me is the quality of the cast they assembled for what will surely be derided as an unworthy retread - Julia Stiles, Liev Schreiber, Mia Farrow and Pete Postlewaite are all quality actors. Who convinced them that hitching their wagon to this project was a good idea? Curses upon you, Hollywood Decision Makers. Stop remaking my beloved horror classics from the 70's, or I shall continue to flog you publicly in my blog!

Happy Mother's Day

I'm usually underwhelmed by viral video...but this is one of the funniest things I've seen in a while. Click the pic for the video.

How Unfortunate for Us All

How does one describe a room filled with more than its fair share of guys? Why, you call it a "Sausage Party," of course.

To describe the opposite (a party/office/GYN waiting room filled with women) my friend Joreida has coined a VERY, VERY unfortunate new term...a "Milk Party." Use it at your own risk.

Food Porn

Ah...television. It pays my bills AND takes up a lot of my unstructured free time...how I love thee. Anyway, for those of you that haven't discovered TVGasm, one of the funniest websites out there, I implore you to check it out. They recap shows in HILARIOUS fashion.

Today, they have a brilliant photo expose on a failed Giada DeLaurentis culinary experiement. Ever since I heard someone refer to her show as "food porn," I have not been able to watch it without snickering. Try it...there are porno-riffic close ups of food paired with suggestive music sprinkled throughout each episode. It could be turned into a Food Network drinking game very easily. Anyway, click here for the funny.