Failure to Make Any Sense At All

Ah...long weekends, how I love thee. I've decided that for my next review of a film I have not seen, I'll be looking at Failure to Launch, the new Matthew McConaughey/Sarah Jessica Parker film. Though I managed to see one of the 3 + versions of the trailer during nearly every commercial break of every show I watched this weekend, I still decided I needed to re-watch it one more time before writing my review. As a result, I hereby give you one of the most annoying and crappy movie websites ever. It is an incredible study in mixed metaphors. Seriously, the "partners" (aka predictable product placements) page alone makes me want to kill myself.

In the film, Sarah Jessica Parker plays a "Professional Motivator" who is hired by Kathy Bates and Terry Bradshaw to trick their 35 year old son, Matthew McConaughey, into moving out of the family abode. So let's see...this film stars SJP (usually good), Kathy Bates (usually awesome) and...hey wait, who the hell put Terry Bradshaw in this movie?!

Anyway, SJP has some sort of patented 12 step "get your lazy-ass son out of the house" program. It seems to be a one-two punch of dating Matthew (aka Tripp) and getting Kathy Bates to come down on him in front of his friends for not cleaning the bathroom. According to the bit of pop psychology you get in the trailer, Tripp is lacking in self-esteem...self-esteem which is usually fostered through dating. She will therefore be "simulating" a romantic relationship with him that will entice him to move out quickly and painlessly. Make sense? Yeah, me neither. On a side note, I'd love to create a business in which I call myself a "Professional Motivator," but actually get paid to date Matthew McConaughey.

Tripp and SJP enjoy romantic dinners together. She fakes having a sick dog so that they can "bond emotionally." All goes according to plan until she starts falling for him. At some point they go sailing and laugh...oh, the laughter. He pulls away, she freaks out. Then he realizes that he really DOES have feelings for her that are worth moving out of his parents home for and they get married and buy a condo and everyone lives happily ever after. The end. Romantic comedies are so predictable.

I do have to say that I'm incredibly confused about the premise of this movie, however. How exactly does one "simulate" a romantic relationship? Are we to believe that the original plan is to date him UNTIL he moves out, then somehow dump him in a way that does not make him run home to Mommy? Although Tripp clearly has committment issues, he doesn't seem to run from sex regardless of the fact that Terry Fuckin' Bradshaw might bust in at any minute. So additionally we're to believe that this a sexless fake relationship that is so awesome it convinces him to move out. If I were Kathy Bates, I'd have asked for some references before buying into this "program." And since when does dating foster self-esteem? In my limited experience, it seems to do precisely the opposite. Yes, it seems to crush it unceremoniously, like a discarded flower left on the sidewalk to be tramp...sorry.

My last issue with this film is the fact that somewhere at the end, it's going to be revealed to Tripp that not only did his parents hire someone to get his ass to move out, but they basically hired someone to date him, too. SJP's going to have to fess up to that as well, so my guess is that a lot of the romantic comedy tension at the end is going to be a re-tread of the old teen movie "I dated you as a joke but now I really love you, don't hate me" schtick.

I'll be honest, I don't usually like RC's. In fact, most of the time they totally suck. SJP and Matthew McConaughey are pretty likeable though, and I hope they make some sense of this flick. I also have to admit that after watching the trailer, Terry Bradshaw does not make me want to poke my eyes out, and that's saying something.