Do I Smell a Theme Park Ride?

Sorry for the long hiatus everybody - I moved, went to Williamsburg, VA to celebrate Erin Shy's 30th birthday, and took a last-minute trip to the Caymen Islands all in the last three weeks, hence my absence from the blogworld. Anyway, I'm back and perhaps better than every baby, because the whole world looks better when you have a tan.

Speaking of my tan, which I got on an island at which cruise ships dock frequently, I shall now review Poseidon. And that, my friends, is called a segue.

I've watched two trailers for Poseidon, this one and this one. The second is much more engrossing in my opinion, and actually makes me want to see this movie. The first makes it look like a somewhat lame-o remake, complete with many "Titanic-esque" moments. I hated Titanic until the damn ship sank 2 hours and 45 minutes in...if only it could have taken Billy Zane and his terrible acting with it. The second Poseidon trailer however, is a different story. I nearly had a disastergasm right on the spot.

Anyone that knows me knows that I love disaster movies and carnage. I also love Andre Braugher, so I'm excited to see that he's in this film as the cruise director. It's New Year's Eve and Andre is welcoming a shipful of richie-riches to an ultra-lavish gala. There are a number of sub-plots brewing already, many surrounding attractive young men and women in the midst of getting together. One of particular note involves Emily Rossum and Josh Lucas, who apparently had an awesome life when he was broke, but is not so happy now that he's loaded (This is really just a slight twist on a Titanic theme, but who's counting?). Anyway, our subplots, *ahem* lovers will not have a chance to get it on before an ENORMOUS moon-engulfing tidal wave hits the ship. Apparently the only warning the ship gets is from the vaguely-psychic captain who proclaims, "Something's off" just moments before a ginormous wave flips the ship completely upside down. You'd think there'd be SOME kind of system for telling ships at sea that 200 ft. waves are approaching. Apparently not.

Chaos ensues. Lights blow out, water gushes in, and people crash to their death in spectacular, tuxedoed glory(another Titanic moment, but of the very best kind). Suddenly, there are multiple bands of survivors trying to, well...survive. Kurt Russell, in a very "Escape from L.A." sort of way, decides to lead a band of people off the ship. Josh Lucas, in a very Titanic-esque way, assures his lady love and a handful of others that he will lead them to safety, and Andre Braugher goes with the time-honored "If we just stay here and be calm, we'll be rescued." I don't know about you, but "stay here and be rescued" guy only wins in 1/2 of The Day After Tomorrow and in no other disaster movie I have ever seen.

It appears that Josh Lucas and his people, intent upon getting out, join up with Kurt Russell's group and then suspensefully weave their way out of the upside down cruise ship. Things explode, heroic feats of strength are displayed, yada yada. Even money that Andre Braugher's character dies and that Kurt Russell, after selflessly protecting/saving others, also dies. IF that does happen, I also predict that he will pass sage words of advice to Josh Lucas just as he gasps...his...last...breath. Most likely, those words of advice will involve something about living each day like it's your last, not having regrets and finding true happiness again. Clearly, this is a straight-ahead suspense/adventure movie destined to be decried as having a "great cast" but "not living up to the original." In the "great cast" category, we have Josh Lucas, Emily Rossum, Richard Dreyfuss, Andre Braugher and cameos by Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas and Kevin Dillon (check out the poker scene in the trailer). The original however, stars Gene Hackman, Ernest Borgnine, Roddy McDowall, and Shelly Winters. Not a bad cast in its own right. Although I haven't seen the original, there is one thing I do know about it: old Shelley Winters got naked in it (and got an Academy Award nom for it). Something tells me that this movie will not have what it takes to out-do a naked Shelly Winters, but will be entertaining if somewhat vacuous fun.